My idea of therapy

No bones to guess I was depressed all weekend. And now I've decided to put an end to this. No more depressive, sad, sombre or pitiful posts. Folks who know me or have followed this blog for a while know I'm better than that. Enough is enough. So what did I do to get over the mood?

Therapy!

No, I did not see a psychiatrist. Not that kind of therapy but the other kind. This kind:

1. Shopping therapy:

There was a sale at Azzaro. Need I say more? ;)

2. Food therapy:

Why wouldn't a double cheese, grilled jalapeño chicken burger make you feel good? ;)

3. Fun therapy:


And with whatever little frustration left, I knocked out those pins left, right and center!!

I think it was just in the mind. The moment I decided to let go, everything was instantly better.

Thank you to one and all for your supportive and encouraging words. Cheers :)

Too many whys and what's with the 'T'

I don't know why people blog. Is it because:

1. They are bored and don't know how else to kill time
2. Want a medium to express their views be it personal, social, political, sports or current affairs
3. To vent out their frustration. Rant, blah, ramble, swear etc.
4. Those with literary aspirations use this as a platform (be it writing, poetry or even photography)
5. It's cool to have a blog
6. Networking. Want to be in touch with family/friends/acquaintances/fellow bloggers
7. Record their lives and experiences. A public diary.
8. To tell the world how well they can cook?

There could be more. Me just thinking aloud.

I started blogging for just one reason: #7

But with time #2, #3 and #6 jumped in.

And today I proudly introduce you to the latest joinee: #1

Yes, that's what this post is about. I've got absolutely nothing to do. So here I am.

As I write, my wife and baby are guest of honors at a big family gathering hosted on their behalf. It's a celebration usually done when the baby is forty days old. No clue why. But they do it. My baby is two months old (touchwood). They had to delay the function for some reason.

So it's happening today. What's really weird is I could not attend. For some reason I had to stay put. I still don't know why. And I can't believe I'm sitting here typing this post rather than be by my wife's side holding my adorable little baby. Will never be able to get over this. I've written numerous times about my baby and how much I miss the little kiddo. This was my chance to spend a quick weekend with them and I've missed it. This regret is gonna be with me for a long time.

For now, all I can resort to is write a post about it and continue feeling super-miserable.

p.s. My last five post titles have started with a T!!!! WHY?

Tears, Parenthood & Wifey

Last night I shed my first tears seeing my little baby on webcam. I longed to take him in my hands. To hold him, play with him, talk to him, just see him play, hear him make weird sounds, walk around with him, console him when he cries, clean his nappies, put him to sleep - I'm missing all that and more. Everything seems incomplete now. Meaningless.

I'm not sure what changes parenthood has brought to me. One minute I was just another guy with not too many responsibilities, and the next, I'm a dad with all the responsibilities. It's crazy.

A lot of things change upon becoming a parent. But I'd say, the first and foremost change comes to the relationship between the couple. Simply put, it brings them closer. Nine months is a long time. And it can be a difficult and intriguing time for a women. With all kinds of physical, mental, hormonal, psychological changes, it teaches you just one lesson: this women is undergoing all that just to give birth to your baby. Many say that it is a defining moment in a women's life. That could be quite true. And it's not just the nine months and giving birth part but continues through post-birth phase as well. All in all, a really challenging time for a women. It is quite unbelievable in the end when you hold your baby for the first time and think: Did this really come out of there? Just incredible.

Holding my bundle of joy for the first time will always remain my most cherished moment. My wife, with all that she went through over the last 10 months is the greatest thing I have ever seen.

There couldn't be a more appropriate time to let her know how much I respect her for being the women she is and - a caring wife, a supportive friend, a trusted companion, a passionate lover, a smart critique and an ideal life partner. And now, a super-mom! Hats off to you, love.

That moment....

At this lovely captured moment in my life I had wished I was a kid again....

05-Mar-09, 9:22 PM

....seeing those kids jump down that air-filled slide!!!

What are those kids thinking of?

Project deadline? Targets? Performance appraisal? Traffic? Weight loss? Recession? Money? Investments? Family? Marriage? Heartbreaks? Moving houses? Rama Sena? Politics? Global warming?

Bet, at that instant, all they freakin cared off was to jump as hard and as fast as they possibly can down that slide! What a life! :)

I wish.... (sigh)

Life and Death

I’m sitting in the Jet airways waiting lounge at Mumbai domestic airport. Still have another 20 minutes before my boarding starts. It’s been a tough day coz I saw something for the first time in my life. And it was not pleasant. Scared the living daylights out of me. I saw a man dying today!

Just as I got through immigration at Dubai airport, there was some commotion a few yards from where I was standing. I walked to see what was happening. A man was on the floor, hand on his chest, legs and body shaking, desperately gasping for breath. Someone took off his shirt and made him lie flat on his back. Paramedics arrived immediately. He was given an oxygen mask which he kept taking off trying to breathe. And then they stuck some wires on his chest near the heart. I don’t know what they did next as I could not stand and look any more. I’d had enough. The man had suffered a massive heart attack. He was minutes away from death. Not sure if he made it through. Not sure if his family were ever going to see him alive again.

Death is the harshest reality of life. We take life so much for granted that we may not be prepared for the dreaded D looming round the corner. I’ve lost a few friends in my life. I lost one to cancer at the age of 17, and two to separate road accidents during college. These experiences have thought me to appreciate life like never before. Any day could be our last. Live life like there is no tomorrow but always have plans ready for the day after!

So here’s to our good health, love from family & friends, and fulfillment in life. Amen.

Peace.

(I wrote this on 10th Jan but could not post it. Finally got an internet connection today. And FYI - I am in India for three weeks)

What a start

A 'new' year, as the word new implies, is supposed to be...err..new! A new beginning full of new hopes, new dreams and promises of something better.....or worse?

My new year started like any other day or month or year. But it was on the 2nd day of this year that had some excitement in store.

It was 6.40 am and I was obviously sound asleep. I woke up at some voices. There was someone in my room. It was my brother. So deep in slumber was I that instead of asking him if he needed something, I ended up asking, "What are you doing here?". Rude. That moment my sis from the living room yelled out, ' Check out. Someone finally woke up!". Are these guys crazy? It's a weekend for Christ's sake. I could hear my dad and mom as well. I live in a zoo. Period.

Someone then asked me to touch the floor. Zoo for sure!!! They ask again. What the hell. I give up. And reach down for the floor. My hand gets submerged in water. Entirely! Oops. Did I start sleepwalking? What was I doing in my bathroom?

I look around. This is my room. Quickly, I sit up and look around the room and there was water everywhere. Our entire house was completely filled up with water. Not an inch of dry space. Apparently, a pipe burst in the bathroom and it flooded the house. All hands were on 'deck' clearing the water. I pulled up my pajamas and joined the war cry.

"Zor lagage ke, haisha,
Jeetenge hum, haisha"

Took us close to 6 hrs just to get rid of the flowing water. It's gonna take days to dry up completely. My room was the worst affected. Our flat apparently, and thanks to the masons, is sloped backwards towards the right, where my room is located. It's a disaster. We had to dismantle the entire bedroom set and take it out. Thoughts of discarding the (so called new) carpet came to mind but then we thought of giving it a shampoo first and checking it out. Had the shampoo guys over yesterday. They actually had to give the final shampoo with dettol to get rid of the water smell. Assured us 90% dryness. We are waiting for it to completely dry before moving back the furniture. Our new Persian rug is lying outside the flat. Not sure what the hell are we supposed to do with it. All electric connections & electronic appliances are dead (except the wi-fi which we managed to keep running! :P). All in all, right now, our house is in tatters and stinking. And I don't have a room!

What a start to the year!

It's been four years

Can't believe it's been 4 years. Really? Has it been that long? Looks like it all happened yesterday.

Four years ago, today, I got recruited by Oracle through campus placements. This day does not sound so significant but try telling that to a budding MBA pass-out appearing for his first real job interview! It was huge. It's one of those days that somehow just got stuck in my memory. One of those days that I could finally look up to the skies and say, "Yes, I have done it".

I still remember that day. It was cold, so cold and foggy that when I thought I reached Oberoi Hotel, I could see nothing. Not even the gate. Upon asking, was told I was standing right in front of that gate. All this at 7.30am in the morning, all suited up, on a bike, at the peak of Delhi winters. That was something! I thought my brain would freeze. Brrr. Not to forget, after watching a movie (Swades) till 2.30 am at PVR Priya the night before.

Yeah! So Oracle had taken telephonic interviews of candidates from 10-15 B-Schools over 2 weeks across NCR and had asked about 32 of us to appear for personal interview. Little did I know that a simple sounding 'personal interview' was not even the appetizers.

After registration and breakfast, we were asked to be seated as 2 separate groups randomly. And then we were made to strip! (Just kidding! Wanted to see if you guys are paying attention). So with the 2 groups ready, we were then made to do several team building exercises. This went on for more than 3 hours. I still remember all those activities. For one activity, they made us all sit in a semi-circle and blindfolded us. We were then handed some abstract object. And were supposed to identify who else has that exact same object - all this blindfolded and seated with the moderator sitting right in front observing our each and every move. Phew! Then this other activity, they made all 32 of us stand in a large circle. Every guy/girl was made to say his/her name. And then, this is the bizarre part, each one of us were supposed to repeat all the 32 names. I did manage 27 though. Anyways, all this went on till lunch. Post lunch was going to be our interview.

Round 1. I thought I'd be kicked out right then and there. Mysteriously, they called me for Round 2, which was much better. Followed by Round 3. And then they informed us that they've come up with the first cut. 16 were shortlisted and were going to be further interviewed. I had already packed my bag. Was thinking about dinner and which movie we'd watch later that night. And, poof, they called out my name. So, I was shortlisted. Great. Now that really freaked me out. Coz now I was this close to getting through and loosing out would really really really suck. So it was time for Round 4. This time with the senior management. It went OK. Round 5 was with Head of Recruitment. Basic irritating HR questions. Finally Round 6 was with the Director. He asked me just 3 questions:

Director: Are you ready to relocate to Bangalore?
Me: Yes. I can take the evening flight if you want me to.
Director: Have you been to Bangalore?
Me: I will, tonight, if you hire me.
Director: So, you think you are hired?
Me: Yes. I would like to think so.
Director: Thank you, Masood. (Got up and shook my hands). See you in Bangalore.

It still hadn't sunk it. It was too good to be true. Interview with the Director or Round 6 was taking atleast 15 minutes per candidate. Supposed to be the toughest. And here I was, out in 30 seconds. There has to be something wrong.

It was 7.15 pm in the evening. Close to 12 hours since I got there. Finally, the moment of truth. They were announcing names of selected candidates alphabetically. That's the first time I ever cursed myself for not having a name with 'A'. Seven names were called out. And number 8 was a certain 'Masood Salem'. All I could do was smile meekly and slowly clap. Was too exhausted for any other emotion. Only 9 were selected. Once it sank it, tears followed. I called my dad. And my brother. Other calls starting coming in. It was all happening. Laughter, tears, excitement, fear, hope, dreams fulfilled, new dreams, all at the same time.

It was one of the most satisfying and fulfilling days of my life. That day, I became somebody. I achieved something. I was going somewhere. My journey had begun.

Believe it or not

If I say that I lost 8 kg in 30 days, how many of you are going to believe me? Believe it or not, it is true. 30 days of diet control, brisk exercise and lots of drinking water and here I am - 8 kg lighter.

But coming to the more serious part, why did I have to loose that much weight? That's coz I was, not 8 but actually 18 kg over weight!!! I swear! I know, my height hides most of the weight but according to my BMI, I need to be atleast 18 kg lighter. Thanks to my post-marriage laziness, ice-cream-doughnuts-muffins-desserts indulgence, culinary skills of folks at home and, ofcourse, the KFCs and Burger Kings of the world!

So, with 2 inches off the waist and 8 kg lighter, let me tell you how it feels! It feels like a job half done. Boo. Yes, don't want to rest on my laurels now. We are on a roll, people!

Finally, I can hope of fitting in that CK trouser. Finally!

I will check back again in 30 days with another update. Oh, and how did I do it? Atkins baby, Atkins! (www.atkins.com)

Peace.

Insanity

I think everyone deserves one chance at insanity. I'm just trying to come to terms with it.

Happy budda...err birthday to me!

I've turned 27 today. It is quite an ideal age I think - not too old, not too young. Just about perfect. Every day from now is going to be a step towards really getting old. Till today, I never felt I was growing old nor did I ever feel old. I don't today as well. But I know next year, I won't be feeling the same. Next year, I will feel older. But then, why worry about something that is invariably going to happen unless ofcourse the Almighty has other plans!

So I am thinking. What should I be doing this year that I know I won't be able to do next year or the year after? I always believed that there is a time for everything and, whatever has to happen, happens at exactly that time. My dad told me something a few years back that I could never forget: "Waqt se pehle, aur kismat se zayada, kuch nahi milta" (I can't come up with a satisfactory translation for this. Sorry about that). So it's my job to figure out the right time. I will be doing more of that introspection this year.

It's my first birthday with my wife. We have had a memorable and fantastic last 8 months of companionship. Thanks for everything, Love. I miss my closest friends today. All who matter have either called or emailed in person with wishes. Thanks guys. I am with my family today and that is a blessing I can't be thankful enough for. So here's a BIG thank you to one and all.

(I wrote this on 29/9 but did not get a chance to post it. Putting it up today on 1/10)

(Mysteriously the posting date still shows 29/9)

Life has its own ways to mess things up. Sometimes we run away from the harshest realities of life only to run right back into it again and realize you were actually running from none other than yourself.

I am my own nightmare. I made this Frankenstein. And I have to live with it. No more running. No more hiding.

Money, Moolah, Bucks, Dough or Cash

I just realized something today. And it got me worried.

For the last 5-6 months, all I do all month is wait for 25th of that month. Why? That's my pay-day. Doesn't matter what day of the month it is. I just wait for 25th. Period.

And while on my way to work this morning, I was doing just that. Glanced at my watch to see what date it is today, quick calculation and, all of a sudden, it struck me: Is this what I do all month? Wait for the 25th? Yes, subconsciously &, even consciously, that's what I do. Why do I do that? What am I gaining? But what really got my concerned was: What am I possibly loosing out on?

I have no recollection of how time flew these last 6 months. I was so preoccupied waiting for something in the future to happen that I completely ignored what really was happening. I was secretly wishing for time to go by quickly. This never happened to me while working in Bangalore. I only waited for my pay-day if, and only if, there was a big commission expected. Like once in 3 or 6 months. Not every month. This is disturbing.

Money does make our heart smaller and life less meaningful. Unless we do something about it. This has to change. I have to change.

He's my dad

I was in his hands when I was taken home from hospital for the first time after my birth. He's my dad.

He took me to kindergarten for my admission and, when I fell off the slide that day at the playground, he was there to pick me up. He's my dad.

On my first day at kindergarten, the moment I realized that he was going away, I started crying uncontrollably. I kept crying. And he came back. He couldn't leave. He's my dad.

Whenever I missed my school bus, he would drop me to school. And every single time, he would hand me a Dh 1 coin to buy something at the canteen. He made me feel like a king. He's my dad.

At my first sports meet, he bought me running shoes. Shoes that were pricey and beyond our modest budget. But he still bought them for me. He's my dad.

Every time I scored good grades in school (specially in Maths), he would smile and look at my proudly. He's my dad.

When mom went to India for a few weeks, he tried to help me not miss her much. He took me out to my favorite restaurants, to parks, to the arcade, to my friends, he did everything that an eight year old would want. He's my dad.

When I had undergone a minor surgery, he fainted because I was in pain. He's my dad.

He helped me through the confused phase of adolescence. He shared his experiences & wisdom with me. He shared his dreams and aspirations with me. He showed me how to talk like a man. He showed me how to walk like a man. He showed me the difference between right and wrong. He's my dad.

At my first step of success, class 10 board exam results, he was with me, next to me, while I saw my grades. He's my dad.

He supported my interest in sports, pushed me to go for training and just weeks before my class 12 board exams, allowed me to participate at the national sports meet in India. He paid for my ticket and expenses despite the extreme financial crisis that we were in. He's my dad.

The day I left home for college, he cried. And cried each time he entered my room and would not find me there. He's my dad.

For four years, he fulfilled my every single need and desire without a question. His greatest dream was to see me as an engineer. And he did. He's my dad.

He let me choose my career and, without second thoughts, let me go away again for my MBA. He came to the airport and cried seeing me leave. He's my dad.

When I got my first job offer through campus, he was the first person I called. His joy knew no bounds. He's my dad.

On my first day at work, I called him to take his blessings. He wished me loads of professional success, growth and prosperity. I have not run out of those wishes yet. He's my dad.

The day I got my first salary, he said he was very proud of me. He's my dad.

When I got back from Dublin last December, he hugged me and told me that he had never missed me more than he did over the last 2 weeks. He's my dad.

But the truth is, I am more proud of him. I am proud to be his son. Proud to carry his name after my name. Proud to call him my dad.

It's his birthday today. Happy Birthday, Dearest Dad.

Thank you for making me the man I am today. Thank you for everything.

Indian Premier League (IPL)

First chapter in cricket newest revolution has ended. The IPL concluded this past Sunday. It was curtains for one of the most successful cricket competitions in recent times. And what a story it has scripted. Baring the world cup, never has such interest ever been generated for Cricket. The T20s has taken the world, and now India, by storm. As if being world champions was not enough! And, rest assured, IPL 2 will be bigger, grander and larger than life! And I will be waiting.

Yesterday evening, for the first time, I realized how addicted I had become to it. I got back home at about 8.40pm, walked into my room, kept aside my cellphone, keys, wallet etc and walked back into the living room. Took me a few seconds to hunt down the remote and turn on the TV. And, as if by default, my fingers pressed '2', '1', '0' in quick succession that took me to SetMax. And, after I saw a young Amitabh Bachchan delivering dialogues in his trade mark style, that it hit me like a lightning bolt - No more IPL!!! It is over. Gone. Finished. Concluded.

My heart sunk. I was missing it. I was missing the IPL. As a ardent cricket aficionado, this was not good for me. My thoughts started scrambling - Why did it have to end? Would I get to see Warney in action again? or a pulsating Shoeb Akhtar running in to bowl? Before all this could get the better of me, I could hear my mind say what Agent Smith said, "Everything that has a beginning, has an end!" (Btw, my mind said it in exactly the same way and style as said by Smith in Matrix Revolutions! I don't know how it did that. Amazing the possibilities of a human mind.....human who?!).

I got in bed later at night and my wife asks me, "Everything ok?". I replied, "Yes. Why? Do I look like something's wrong?". She replies, " Yes. Since the time you got home, you look lost". Not knowing why she felt that way, I replied, "Everything's ok dear. Maybe I'm just tired".

Sorry honey. I did'nt realize it last night but did so when I got to work this morning. It's the IPL or, rather, the lack of it.

Milestone

Our lives have milestones. I know mine does for sure. I've never gotten around to actually jot down my goals in life, aspirations, '101' things-to-do before I die, milestones or stuff like that. And neither have I ever acknowledged a particular achievement or accomplishment as a milestone before. (Come to think of it, there have been quite a few already!) But yesterday, I realized, I crossed the biggest and, possibly, the most significant milestone of my life!

:)

When I was a kid....

Weird things I did/thought as a kid:

1. Looked at a digital clock ticker (where we don't see the seconds) and started counting seconds from 57...57, 58, 59 and saw if the clock ticked when I reached 60!!! If it didn't, then waited for a few seconds and again started from 57!!
2. A new born baby came out through the belly-button!
3. Day-dreamt (a LOT!) of how it would be if I were invisible!
4. Used to wonder whose voice is it in my mind - and also if people around could also here it.
5. If I was doing something (eg. having a bar of kitkat), could there be atleast one person somewhere in the world doing the exact same thing at the same time??
6. Why do we have to iron clothes??!!
7. Got my head stuck behind the TV while fetching a toy!
8. Stapled my own thumb!
9. Who the %#$&%#@ invented school?
10. Girls don't eat food!

Funny that these all sound so silly now but back then, this was me and my life!

I am sure there were lots more but its a pity that I can now remember only this many! :(

Expectations

Why do we feel bad when things don't happen the way we planned? Is it because we have a kept unrealistic expectations? or is it because people, on whom you base your expectations, just screw up? Or is it because we always want things to be perfect or close to it atleast, which is a unrealistic expectation, coz nothing can be perfect! Or can it be? So, should we keep expectations? Not meeting them leads to dissatisfaction, pain, agony, depression. And meeting them leads to exactly the opposite of what I just typed. But is it worth it? Putting ourselves into a situation where the probability of failure and success is exactly the same - is it worth it? What if we don't keep any expectations? Every time something works out, it will be a moral victory. If it doesn't, well, we couldn't care less! We didn't bother. But keeping expectations, 'good' expectations, is heartening, gives you something to look forward to, something to dream about, something to wait for, coz the sheer fulfillment of those expectations is blissful. And what if our expectations are very realistic, hardly out of the ordinary, and still aren't fulfilled, for reasons that we cannot control or influence?

So, is there a trade-off? What is the trade-off?

when will it end?

Why do the demons of the past still haunt me? Why can't they leave me alone? What do they want from me? What do they gain by traumatizing me? Do they have a purpose? What could that be?

How do I fight with myself? Who wins? Me or me?!?

I thought I had conquered my fears, fought my demons, and won! I thought I had won but that was just an illusion. I am still fighting and some one has to loose.

When will it end?

Satisfied...

Yesterday, I experienced something so unique, fulfilling and satisfying that I couldn't help wonder why I hadn't done something like this before. I have been earning since May 2005. So I've had a stable income for quite some time now. But for the first time ever, I had a chance to hand over my entire monthly salary in the hands of my parents! Oh, and how do I describe the expressions on their faces!!! And how do I describe how I felt?!! I think words cannot do justice so I will quit trying. All I can say is that - It was the most satisfying feeling ever!!! :-)